Batman VS Penguin Dark Knight Spoof
by madisonhagan1
Summary: Batman VS Penguin Dark Knight Spoof. Batman is suppose to be an idiot. By CollegeHumor find them on Youtube. They are hilarious. Thought I would share this with you.


Jim Gordon: "You will never get out of here alive Cobblepot."

Penguin: "Be quiet and wait your turn."

A rustling is heard as the thugs surrounding Gordon disappear. Penguin looks up, confused. Batman appears out of nowhere and slams Penguin against the wall, Cobblepot screams and tries to stab Batman. Batman blocks him and throws the knife away. Frustrated Penguin starts to mock Batman.

Penguin: "End me Batman, you know you want too."

Batman: "I don't _kill_."

Batman turns Penguin around and cuffs him.

Jim walks up, now safe and sound, as he mocks the Penguin.

Jim Gordon: "He's not like _you _Cobblepot."

Penguin starts to laugh.

Penguin: "_You _and your stupid _rule_! It will be your downfall, you know that Batman!?"

Batman turns around.

Batman: "I'm not a _coward_, who hides behind a gun. I would _NEVER _take a life of another. For I am-"

Jim interrupts him to point out that a thug is behind Batman trying to attack him.

Jim Gordon: "Batman look out!"

Batman turns around swiftly and throws a Bat-o-rang at the thug, slicing through the man's face, killing him instantly. He turns back around to talk again, like nothing ever happened, finishing his speech, as both Gordon and Penguin, sit their completely gob smacked at what they just witnessed.

Batman: "-For I am The Dark Knight. The last remaining beacon of morality, in the shadows of this town."

Penguin interrupts Batman, confused.

Penguin: "Wait! Wha-what-what was that!?"

Batman: "...What?"

Penguin: "You-you just said you don't _kill_."

Batman: "Yeah, I know. It's like...my one rule."

Gordon interrupts this time.

Jim Gordon: "Ye-yeah. Batman why don't you look at th-the guy, uh."

Batman turns around to look at the said thug. Like nothings wrong. He turns back around and shrugs.

Batman: "...He's asleep."

Jim Gordon: "No he's...W-wait what?"

Batman interrupts.

Batman: "Ohhh! I see, now I know, you guys don't know this. But uh, when criminals fight me, It's exhausting… cuz… I'm good"

Batman raises his hands goofily as he mimics punching people like a child.

Batman: "So they often have to nap afterwards…"

Penguin: "W-wa-wait you can't be ser-this…you think, you think they're sleeping?"

Batman: "Yeah. Look at that poor little guy all tuckered out…"

Both men stand there completely shocked, and confused.

Penguin: "Oh my god, do- do you not _know _what _death _is?"

Batman: "Ugh! I totally know what it is, don't be _stupid_. Lets just...back it up a little and talk about how much of a hero I am."

Gordon: "Uh-but-wha-what!…, Batman you have to know what death is- I mean your parents were shot and killed."

Batman: My parents were _shot_, yes. but they're _alive_. On a _special Farm..._

Penguin: "Oh boy…"

Gordon: "They're on a _farm_?"

Batman: "Yes, they're on a _special happy farm_, where they make buttermilk. they romp and play. There's a hammock made of _dreams_…"

Gordon: "_Wow_…"

Penguin: "I-I-I can't even…"

Batman: "They write me emails."

Gordon and Penguin: _Wow_…Wow…_wow_.

Batman starts to talk as another thug comes up from behind, trying to kill him.

Batman: "I don't understand what you find so hard to believe.-"

Gordon: "Batman! Look out!"

Batman doesn't even turn around, instead he quickly lifts up his arm, ramming it into the thug, the spikes on his arm slit the thugs neck. The thug dies and falls to the ground.

He finishes his sentence.

Batman "-about any of that."

Both Gordon and Penguin's mouths drop.

Batman: "It's a very plausible situation, old rich people go to farms."

Penguin: "Are you kidding me!? Are you kidding!? I'm the one your after!?"

Gordon: "Yeah...uh.."

Penguin: "And the-wow!"

Gordon: "The-the-this is what were talking about."

He points to the second dead thug.

Gordon: - What you just did, you killed that guy.

Batman: "Commish that head wound...It's gotta be taking it's toll because you are making zero sense."

Gordon pinches his nose in frustration.

Penguin: "Yeah Gordon just let me try...Ok?"

Gordon: "Please…"

Penguin: "Ok. Batman? what do you have on your wrists?"

Batman: "I'm not wearing hockey pants!"

Penguin: "Sorry, alright I know. Listen...What are the metal, sharp, stabby things?"

Batman looks at his wrists.

Batman: "These are, they are triangle blades to use against my foes."

Batman holds up his arms, pretending to slash at enemies. like a child.

Batman: "CHING, CHING, ha! I broke your sword, compromised your footing, icy water!"

Penguin tries to interrupt.

Penguin: "Uh, ok thank you...let just…-"

Batman makes funny noises, thrusting his arms out.

Batman: "ugh, good times."

Penguin: "Unbelievable...Batman! Batman!?"

Batman looks up.

Penguin: "Now! If the METAL triangle BLADES hits a FLESH NECK What happens?"

Batman stares like the answer is obvious.

Batman: "They go to sleep. Just like me, they wake up just like me. Usually with a boner.-"

Both men sigh, in annoyance.

Batman: "-I call it the Bat signal."

Penguin: "No! They don't wake up they die! There's no boners! They don't get sleepy, they die!"

Batman looks horrified.

Batman: "Wait but my...fish? He went to sleep and then we flushed him down the toilet, he's in the ocean now, alive."

Penguin: (Dead pan) "No he's dead."

Batman sadly screams loudly, like he's dieing.

Batman: "DR. FISHY! NOOOOOOO!"

Gordon: "You see Batman...What happened to Dr. Fishy is what you did to those men."

Batman: "I overfed these men?"

Gordon: "No you killed them."

Batman: "Whoa, major game changer. Before I didn't understand, but now...I got it. Were on the same page."

Both Gordon and Penguin look relieved as they shake their heads.

Penguin: "Good…"

Batman: "You're saying that if I go to sleep...I die?"

Gordon: "noo...oh my god!"

Penguin spots a gun on the ground, as Gordon talks. He starts to laugh.

Penguin: "Ha! Well...It doesn't matter either way. Because I'm about to give you…-"

Penguin cuts through his bindings.

Penguin: "-A personal lesson in…ugh!"

Penguin goes for the gun, and tries to shoot Batman. Batman grabs a huge machine gun off the floor and shoots Penguin in the head, killing him.

Gordon stands there shocked.

Gordon: "What happened to no guns!?"

Batman: "This is a gun?"

Batman continues to shoot Penguin over and over again, using up the bullets.

Gordon: "You're an idiot!"

Batman: "Shh! not so loud! You will wake him…"

Batman shoots Penguin one last time. With a goofy look on his face. Ending the confusing argument once and for all.


End file.
